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Published: Wednesday, July 25, 2007

I vow not to trade again

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Dear Grady Sizemore,

Hi. Joe Scalzo here. You probably don't remember me. Other than being part of a big pack in front of your locker a few times, we've never met, although I'm sure you've read a few of my articles. I got a heckuva response from that Connie Mack state tournament preview I wrote last week.

Anyway, I know you're busy, so I'll get to the point: I've got a request.

See, the thing is, I'm getting married on Friday. Great girl, too. I'm really excited about it. But, well, there's something I've always wanted to do. And I was kind of hoping you could help.

I want to switch lives.

Not for good, of course. Just 24 hours. You'll be back in no time.

Not much of a trade-off
for Mr. Sizemore

Here's the deal: I get to be a good-looking All-Star center fielder for the Indians and you get to be a sportswriter. I get the quick, line-drive swing (I'll try to cut down on your strikeouts), the world-class speed and the fearlessness in the field. Oh, and you know all those adoring female fans? I thought maybe I could take them off your hands for a day.

I figure you need a break anyway.

In return, you get to be me. You get to drive a gorgeous 1998 Honda Civic (the mileage is a little high, but I did wash it last month so it's looking pretty good), you get to live in a one-bedroom bachelor pad in Canfield (with the "Dogs Playing Poker" picture on the wall and the four — FOUR! — channels on my TV) and, of course, the Homer Simpson doll on my desk. (He sings "Shake Your Booty." Dances too.)

You even get my salary for a day. Buy yourself something nice.

Like gum.

I realize being a major league player will be quite an adjustment, but don't worry. I've been practicing. I played catch a few times. And whenever I've talked to my friends this week, I've used sentences like, "So I was talking to Ken Griffey Jr. at the All-Star game last week. ..." and "Ever since I appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated. ..."

I think I've got the autograph thing covered, too. I spent a lot of time practicing during my eighth-grade English class. Like Homer once said, "English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England."

I didn't say that,
even if I did

As for dealing with the media, don't sweat it. I think I can handle it. A couple anecdotes, some self-deprecating humor, praise for the opposing pitcher and a couple nice comments about my teammates.

And if I say something stupid, you can just claim you were misquoted. Everyone hates reporters anyway.

Speaking of, I thought maybe we switch mail, too. I'll take the letters from the third-grader with my (sorry, your) poster on the wall and the requests from the companies who want me (sorry, you) to star in their latest commercial.

As for the ones from beautiful women, don't worry. I'll let you answer those. My fiancee is pretty hot.

My mail isn't quite as interesting. Let's see ... there's one here from a high school football fan who hasn't quite learned my name. ("Dear illiterate scumbag ...") And here's one from a little league mother who is just dying for you to write about her son, Jimmy.

As for that one written in crayon, don't worry about it. The warden said the pens are too sharp.

So whaddya say? Interested?

Before you answer, there's one other thing I need to mention.

Like I said, I'm getting married on Friday, which means this sort of needs to happen pretty soon. And, well, Thursday's no good — I've got the rehearsal. And I'm pretty sure my fiancee (her name is Tiffani, by the way) would like me to be there for the bulk of Friday's activities, so it kind of limits our options.

But I have good news. I have tonight open. We'll both be in town and, besides, it's not like it's a big game. Red Sox-Indians? Who wants to watch that? It's not even a divisional game.

Anyway, as I said before, I know you're busy. And if you can't do it, I understand. In fact I've already got a back-up plan.

"Dear Derek Jeter ..."

Joe Scalzo is a sportswriter for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007